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| So it's a fact that chocolate makes you feel better. Yet it only lasted for a while. I woke up thinking that things would be fine, only to find out that I've done a good job covering it up. My relationships with people have been really Topsy-turvy. And I still don't know how things are going to work out. Sometimes I think that it's a result of me being an only child. That I'm naturally shy which I know is not true at all. When I was little I learned to put up a shield and distance myself from people because of something that a person said to me. Then on it was as if I didn't care. I don't expect people to talk to me, and seriously don't even feel sorry to the fact that you feel that you have to do it.
This summer opened up a lot to me. A lot of nothing. And I feel like the only person that I can really talk to isn't here. They have that saying, "What kills you, only makes you stronger." I really hope so because my heart has died. I don't know why things have changed so much, so drastically. I felt like drinking a whole lot today. What I know is going to be the death of me one day, yet it does help ease the pain.
I'm never the one to say fuck them. Well at least I never was that type of person. Now that's going out the door. I can't fucking believe that this is what it's come down to. I'm emotionally drained right now...
My "heroes" are no longer there to save me. They leave me confused actually and right now its a love hate relationship. You see, since freshman year of high school I always had this thing where I wouldn't get to close to anyone. That way, once things would change and we wouldn't talk anymore it wouldn't hurt me so much. I don't know why I broke that, but I see myself starting on it again.
I always had that fear because I felt that people constantly left me. Like there was something wrong with me, and it was my fault that they would leave. Change was never an aspect. But how long do I have to tell myself that things are just changing? Or how long do I have before I realize that change is just my cover up. It was as if I was defective and people saw that in me and sometimes I thought I was a curse. I noticed the slight change within myself these past couple of months. I've been wanting to drink more or less sometimes, my appetite has surely changed, and I've been wanting to wear black more often. My appetite was and is a problem. I used to have an eating disorder and now it's creeping back on me. I've noticed myself eating 1 meal a day now. Totally not healthy I know, but sometimes I don't feel hungry anymore.
Then there are times when I feel everything is coming at me at once. And I can't handle it, getting away from it all is pretty much what I want.
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| Sitting here I did not know why I cried.
Tears ran down my cheeks towards my chin
and I couldn't come up with a simple explanation as to why this was happening.
She said, "Stop, they'll hear you."
It only made him talk louder and he started getting violent.
At that moment I could only think of how much I want to tell him off.
I want to slap him and tell him he's fucking stupid.
And then I thought about how disgusted I am.
This changed me.
This has changed who I have now become.
But I don't want to be you.
Alcohol, oh how you're going to be the death of me.
You've made me happy, and you only remind me of the bad.
So I stopped and I couldn't take you anymore.
I FUCKING HATE YOU.
I hate what you do, what you say, and especially what you think.
I made a vow to myself, that you won't be my cause of death.
Yet you laugh and think that you're right about everything.
I look at you and think how and when did you become so wise?
Sometimes I wish I can knock you over so you would just break into pieces.
I hate your little smirk and the way you hurt people.
Your depressant is making us weaker.
And I'm at my weakest right now.
I can't even imagine what I would say at your funeral.
It won't be anything nice, so I know I can't say anything at all.
You see one event can change your life.
And it sure turned mine all the way around.
All because of someone who wanted it all.
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| I'm so glad that things are transitioning very well. Most of the things that I've been blogging about here on my Xanga have made positive changes already. Now for a new movement, friends. Again, one of my hardest topics for me to even write about. But I always write my best when I'm in the mood, which is down. Writing about my feelings never seemed to fail me. After all these years it turned into a book within itself.
Like I've said before, "My friends are my heart." And it's hard when things change.
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| It's official, I hate you and you make my life worthless.
On a lighter note, I've been thinking if I really want to minor in dance. I do, really. But there's always will it benefit me in the future. The truth is I'm a pessimist. I think whatever we do doesn't matter anyhow because we're all going to die anyway. Yeah, I know. But that's seriously how I feel about it.
Back to dance, I've always loved it. It's been say, a real secret passion of mine. I've been embracing it more since high school when I had to perform my own piece in front of a lot of people. I was shaking and nervous of course but it helped me a lot. I know people don't really know the story behind the piece but just the fact that I put it out there I still felt like I got my message across.
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| I didn't think that this would happen again for a long time or never again at all. But there goes wishful thinking for you. I knew what your plan was going to be. And no doubt I knew that you would achieve it. You kill me. You make me cry, you make me miserable. You make me want to run out on you, you make me scream at the top of my lungs. I thought by doing those things you would know to stop, but you don't. You just don't get it don't you? You've hurt me and I can't look at you the same way. I don't know who you are. I don't like what this has done to you, to us. I'll never forget May 11, 2007. | | |
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